Back at the Home Front

This is Elodie right after dropping Xander off at school yesterday. Her face seems to say, "What am I going to do all day without Xander?" Sometime after lunch yesterday, I suggested to Elodie that she go up to her room to play. She came down after just a minute saying, "I already played with everything in my room." Things sure do feel different with just one kid around! It makes me even more excited for the new baby to arrive! That oughtta keep Elodie busy!

Another First

That's Xander, climbing onto the school bus like it's no big deal. Like he's done this loads of times before. But, no, it was his first time. And he didn't even bat an eye. Even though I'd prepped him for months that when he started school, he'd get to ride the bus with his pseudo-big-brother Nolan (a big 4th grader now) who would take good care of him and then during breakfast this morning, we found out that Nolan was going to be getting a ride to school and would not be Xander's bus buddy today. That made me a bit more apprehensive, but Xander didn't seem to mind at all. We walked over to the bus stop, and when the bus arrived, Xander joined the swarm of kids and climbed aboard without even looking back at me. He was gone before I knew it. I felt a bit weird seeing him leave like that.

After school, when I went to pick him up from the bus stop, he came walking towards me when I was only about halfway there. He had gotten off at an earlier stop, at the park, and just started walking home like he didn't expect me to be there to meet him or anything. Of course he knows the way home from the park; we've walked it TOGETHER hundreds of times. But alone? How old does this kid think he is, huh? I wanted to clarify that I planned on meeting him at the bus stop, so I was asking him if he wanted to get off at the park everyday or at the stop that's a little bit closer to our house so that I could plan on leaving at the right time and going to the right spot. "Oh, no, Mom, you don't have to come and get me. I can just walk home by myself. I'm a really big boy now." Oh you think so, do you? Well I'll be there at the bus stop, even if you don't think you need me! Independent or TOO independent? He's making me wonder!

Xander loved riding the bus. From how he talked about it, it was one of the highlights of the day. I guess as far as kids go, he does a pretty good job of telling me what he did and learned at school, but it is SO weird for me to not really know what he's been doing all day. When I asked what he learned, he said, "I learned TONS of stuff," but when I pressed for details, he said, "I can't remember all of it." Hmmm. I know that he got to go to Music today, which he liked, but not as much as he loved gym yesterday (it was his favorite part of the day yesterday). That he played with a friend from Church at recess. That the bought lunches smell better than his packed lunch and when can he buy his lunch? That Mrs. Parker sings the days of the week song differently than we do at home and can we start singing it her way? That she read him a book about Dos and Don'ts that was really funny because it says stuff like "Don't wear underwear on your head" and "don't make other people smell it." That sometimes Mrs. Parker lets them lie down while she's reading them a story. That he missed me a little bit at school today, but he didn't cry about it like a little girl in his class did. That the kid from his class who sat next to him at lunch today is named Aaron just like dad. That he wanted to draw a picture of Nolan before the end of school, but he didn't get a chance. That he's learning classroom procedures quite effectively. (He raised his hand at dinner today to make a comment, and it's only the second day!) Pretty good details, huh? So why do I still feel like I really don't know what's going on in that classroom of his all day?

And I'm learning some things, too. For one, not to tell Xander that he can finish building his Lego helicopter in the morning if he wakes up early enough. It seemed like an innocent thing to say when he was crushed about putting his Legos away at bedtime last night. (This all day school thing is really cutting into his playtime. Only 10 minutes of bike riding and barely time to get your helicopter halfway built? Sheesh.) But when I was hopping into the shower at around 7:00 this morning, Xander knocked on the door to show me that he'd finished his helicopter. How early DID he wake up to get that finished by then? Who knows. But when I got out of the shower and saw him lying grumpily on Elodie's floor, I knew it was too early. "Why did you wake up if you were still tired, Xander?" His reply was so innocent and sweet: "because you said that if I woke up early enough, I could finish building my Lego helicopter." Note to self: watch what you say because he is listening!

The First Day of School!

Who was SO excited to start kindergarten today? I'll let this picture speak for itself.

Today was a lifechanging milestone for Xander--and for me. Xander is officially in kindergarten. I am a school mom. There's no turning back now. My days as a mother of just protected preschoolers is over. We have sent Xander into the world--the world we call Yale Elementary school. I know a lot of parents who would be proud to send their kids to Yale for an education. Xander could hardly wait to get started. He was so proud last week to be able to show dad HIS school at back to school night, and after his screening with a kindergarten teacher last week, he exclaimed, "That was SO fun!" This morning, he was dressed in his school clothes including his socks before I even saw or heard that he was awake. After saying good morning to me, he went right back upstairs to get his backpack, which he wore for the next hour before we had to leave for school. After a First Day Brain Food Breakfast of Quinoa-infused whole wheat blender pancakes and spinach-infused fruit smoothie, we packed his lunch, THREE criss-cross peanut-butter cookies included (I just couldn't turn down his request when he was being so adorably reasonable as he explained that the day would be even more awesome if he had three cookies in his lunch instead of two), and headed off. Along the walk to school, I let Elodie dawdle and play at the park a bit because we had left in plenty of time. With his school just past the park fence, Xander looked back over his shoulder and urged, "Hurry up!"

I managed to convince him that he had plenty of time to play on HIS school playground for a bit.

Then we walked around to the front of the school where the kiddos were gathering up. We found the two other kindergarteners Xander knows from church and the little informal preschool group they were in together. They won't be in his class, but I could tell Xander felt a confidence boost upon seeing some familiar faces.

Then it was time to line up in their classes. Xander was brave and excited and cooperative and sweet. As they were about to walk into the building, I gave him a hug and he hugged me right back, kissed my cheek, and said, "I love you, Mom! Bye!" My heart melted. When Elodie called, "I love you, Xander!" He stepped out of line, gave her a hug, said, "I love you, too!" and quickly got back in line. Mrs. Parker was the first one to lead her class into the school. You can see in this picture that Xander wasn't the first one in line when they started moving, but they paused at the door for the teacher to tell them something, and while they were stopped, it appeared that the kids in front of him were a bit hesitant. Somehow, Xander ended up in the front of the line and led his class into the school. He was the first kindergartener in the school this morning. That is just how eager Xander was to get started with kindergarten! It was a little hard to watch my little boy go off into the world like that. I mean, kindergarten is a whole school day in these parts. He is still so little and wonderfully innocent in so many ways. But his whole go-get-'em attitude sure made the first day easier on his mom! I didn't sense a moment's hesitation in him all morning. The start-of-school Father's blessing on Sunday and his sweet prayer for courage at breakfast this morning sure helped me feel reassured that he is in good hands. He is going to do great this year!

Update: When I picked him up and asked him how his day was, in typical xander form, he replied, "I had the best first day of anybody! No other kid had a better first day." Well all right, then! He even told me he made two new friends. And that his lunch code was 1-3-1-2. I didn't even know what he was talking about until he showed me the paper in his backpack that said they were supposed to practice their lunch code so they'd have it memorized. I guess he's already got that covered! What a cutie!

The County Fair

Fer Pioneer Day Weekend we swung on down t' Colorado Springs t' pick up our nephews and niece fer some fun. We all had a hay day at the County Fair here in Arapahoe County. Elodie sho nuff got herself her face painted and said she reckoned she liked that more 'en anything else we did do at that fair.

Xander fer one liked that there tractor pull. The rodeo was pretty exciting, too. Xander had fun hollerin' and cheerin' fer that last bull named Ziggy. We reckon the cheerin' worked 'cause he threw that crazy cowboy off him perty darn quick like.

O' course Xander had to get him his face all painted up, too, and he was perty happy with the manly results.

Then those model trains had him all excited and giddy. That boy sho is easy to please. He didn't seem to mind none that we didn't get to do one single ride not even the Ferris Wheel. All or nothin' rides sho is hogwash. Nothin' fair 'bout that.

We came home tired but down right happy. Xander wanted to make sho before bed that he could go back to the fair every year. He worried his head a bit when he realized we're movin' away from these parts before next summer. Knowin' there's Fairs all over this fine country helped him settle right in fer sleep.

Xander is 5!

Xander was SO EXCITED to turn 5. He is the kind of kid who gets pretty excited about a lot of things. Like the incredibly long wrapping paper tubes Melayna gave him for his birthday this evening. That was an exciting present; I mean, those'll make some huge rocket boosters! Last night we got Xander in bed early to help him get enough rest for the exciting day, but he didn't actually go to sleep until almost 2 hours after I tucked him in, due to the combo of excitement and summer daylight. And this morning, he was up at 6:20. (For some frame of reference, the previous couple of mornings he was up around 9:00. For some reason, my kids often sleep in when their bodies need sleep. Go figure.) He was just so excited to have his big day begin, how could he wait? He certainly couldn't fall back asleep when I sleepily suggested that he try to get some more rest so he'd have energy for his big day. (Or was that so I'd have energy for his big day?) After his requested breakfast of bacon, eggs, toast, and hash browns, eaten outside per request, we geared up and headed off to the swimming pool with his soon-to-be Colorado cousins and some friends. Then we loaded Katy and 5 kids in the Beast (that's our Excursion's name, FYI) and headed right over to Subway, where Xander decided months ago he wanted to eat for his birthday. Of course, he wanted to eat it outside, so we headed over to the splash park and found a lucky picnic table. Pretty soon, his friends started showing up for his birthday party where they splashed and played and frosted and ate the requested chocolate cupcakes. It was simple for me and loads of fun for him--four thumbs up!

(On a side note, I love how Xander gets carried away with the thumbs up, sometimes bantering between him and Elodie, other times simply outdoing himself. A thousand thumbs up! Ninety-eight-thousand-hundred-trillion-seventy-nine-fifty thumbs up! Infinity thumbs up! The last time I heard Elodie try to trump him with infinity thumbs, Xander informed her, "Infinity is not a number, it's a concept." And while to you that might sound like a funny thing for a now-5-year-old to say, to me it was one of those heartwarming motherly moments, "Oh, he IS listening to me, his math nerd mom!")

We came home and the kids took a little break from the sun and lounged around watching Curious George. (Xander actually really wanted to watch Popular Mechanics for Kids but was unable to convince his girl cousins and sister that learning about how roller coasters work is REALLY COOL! They were pushing Barbie Swan Lake or Princess and the Pauper, but the diplomatic Xander found some middle ground.) I whipped up some sausage pizza, per request, with broccoli, not salad, on the side, per request. Of course he requested that we eat it outside. And then we finished it off with a little watermelon cake. Doesn't it look just like watermelon? That's because it is watermelon. We're having the real cake (a Blackbird Jet ice cream cake) on Thursday when more of the family comes in for the Fantastic Fillmore Reunion! Woohoo! Pretty much, the birthday excitement just doesn't stop!

Life

I've always been a pretty optimistic person. I generally don't worry too much about things. I don't often get super stressed out. I like being optimistic. I like assuming the best without mentally enumerating all of the things that could go wrong. And while I still feel like an optimist overall, it's different now somehow, and I miss it. It's like I lost a little bit of that along with losing Dexter.

I went this week to another ultrasound. As I watched the screen at the beginning, our little girl didn't seem to be moving around at all . Previously, I would've thought nothing of it; babies don't move every second of the day. But this time, I felt myself searching desperately for some little movement, looking forward to the part where they check the baby's heartbeat and let you listen to its rhythm and see the beats graphed out on the screen. And when I did see her move and heard that nice regular heartbeat and heard the Ultrasound Technician declare that everything looked healthy and good and normal, I felt relief instead of, well, what I used to feel. I don't want to be paranoid or pessimistic. I miss assuming that everything is fine. I mean, back when I was pregnant with Dexter, I had a second ultrasound and they found an abnormality in his brain that wasn't there at the first ultrasound. But when they told me that, I wasn't worried at all. That used to be my immediate reaction, even when there were things indicating that everything may not be fine, I felt fine. I felt peaceful. I felt very clearly that everything was going ot be OK. And I assumed that OK meant healthy and whole like my first two children. And then I learned that there are other ways for things to be OK. Everything was OK with Dexter--it was just how it needed to be. The "OK" I first imagined was very different than what "OK" turned out to mean. But when it got to that point, I was no less OK with the reality than I was with my assumption of what OKness would look like. In fact, everything was so fine that I specifically remember the same week that Dexter died discussing with Aaron that I felt ready to have another baby whenever the Lord wanted to send one to our family. I felt so strengthened and supported and reassured that everything was as it should be, that I felt ready because I was willing to provide a body for another sweet little spirit even if his or her mission was the same as Dexter's. Because I KNEW that the course of his life was the will of God and I felt so confident that whatever happened with any other child God sent to our family would be the Lord's will, too, whether that meant a long or a short life on Earth. I felt such peace and trust. I felt ready.

And so I was surprised last summer when we were pregnant with our fourth and I felt hesitant to share the news with family or to even let myself get too excited about the prospect of another little baby to raise. I tried to convince myself that it was OK to get excited, that everything would be fine. But I didn't feel it. I wondered if I had lost my optimism. And then when we miscarried in the first trimester, I felt grateful for what I then recognized as the Spirit preparing me to face another challenge. It was much easier on me since I hadn't told anyone. It was easier on me because I hadn't assumed that everything would be fine like I used to. I felt peace and confidence mixed with my sadness.

Now, with this pregnancy, I have felt that everything is fine from the time we found out we were expecting. It felt different than last summer's pregnancy. I didn't have to convince myself that it was OK to get excited; I just felt excited and OK with that, like I didn't need to guard myself from hurt. I still do feel peace. I feel like everything will go well. So I was surprised that my former optimistic assumptions were no longer my first reaction at the ultrasound. I guess I just learned from Dexter that I don't necessarily know what "OK" means. OK might mean whole and healthy, but OK might mean that it's all in the Lord's hands and will go as it should. I don't think I've lost my optimism at all, really, it just looks a little different.

Perhaps the blessing of Dexter's life helped me learn not to take life for granted. It is a gift--both the giving of life and the sustaining of life day by day. As I felt the relief at the ultrasound, I felt such gratitude, along with a renewed, deepened sense of awe at the miracle of life. A new little person of her own is growing inside of me! I can feel her! I saw her sweet face and her little hands and feet! Pregnancy is just amazing! I love being such an integral part of this miracle.

Aaaaaaaaa-chooo!

The first thing I heard out of Elodie this morning was a sneeze. And then another. Followed by this statement, "I hate allergies. I wish I was a boy and didn't have allergies!" Now I think her wish to be a boy is only based on the issue at hand and the sample size she's familiar with: our little family. Here in the Dahle house, Mom and Elodie have the hayfever seasonal allergies and the dry itchy eczema skin and Dad and Xander don't. Lucky boys.