Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Day 10--No more IV's!

Dexter's umbilical line needs to come out soon, so the docs decided to ramp up his breastmilk intake and decrease his TPN flow so that he won't have to have a new IV put in when the umbilical one comes out. The nurse said he'll get it out tonight at midnight and then he'll be free! When I left the hospital an hour ago, he was up to 1 1/2 ounces of milk per feeding, and 2 ounces is what they estimate he needs right now, so he's just about there.

Another new thing for Dexter today is these shnazzy hand splints. He gets to wear them three hours on and three hours off all day now to help his thumbs grip instead of fold into his hands. It looked like baby weight-lifting to me as he flexed his little arms.

So it was a good day for Dexter, I'd say, but I was having a bit of a rough afternoon. I felt desperately in need of a nap, but as soon as I fell asleep, Xander was done watching his show and offering frequent reminders that I'd promised to play a game with him, despite my every attempt to remind him how much fun he could have playing blocks or SOMETHING by himself. And then when Elodie woke up, I had to pump right away, making her feel neglected, too, which meant that she insisted on being held and carried around until dinner. Ah, my poor neglected children! I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time Aaron came home; he asked one little thing and I completely fell apart--I was so rude to him, it's embarrasing to recollect. So then I added the guilt of being a terrible wife to the feelings that I was not a good enough mom for any of my three kids. I felt horrible and I could not pull myself together and stop crying. I asked Aaron to forgive me and then went to a room by myself and prayed and cried and repented and pleaded. I felt a little better and able to feel the Spirit again, but still, I couldn't seem to control the tears as we were trying to enjoy a nice family dinner--the only time we'd spend all together all day, and I was a leaky faucet. The inspiration came that I needed a blessing, and gratefully Aaron was forgiving enough to give me one. It's hard to describe the complete shift I felt. The power of the Priesthood is real--it was so tangible. As I left to go to the hospital, I felt peace, love, competence, hope, confidence, and emotional strength. It was a miracle. I am humbled to remember how dependent I am on the repentance and forgiving made possible by the Atonement. And I am so grateful for the refreshed strength I feel.


Mirien said...

And you are so normal! As if all of the current demands of your life aren't enough, you have post-partum hormones kicking in. I have had days like that myself, but I remember it was especially tough after Grant was born. I was always tired and stretched to the limit and Brian worked long and late hours. I think you are doing great, so don't be too hard on yourself. I wish we were closer so Xander and Elodie could come over and play!

The Deru said...


I've been reading your entries about Dexter from the beginning. They've really affected me. You and Aaron clearly have a deep well of faith and love, and you've been asked to draw upon that well again and again and again... Heavenly Father must REALLY believe in you that you can do this. When I read this entry I just started to cry. I'm sorry things have been so hard. I'm praying for you!

Love, Miriam