Wednesday morning Aaron and I went together to see Dexter, and then Aaron had to go because he really had to get back to school that day. So I was by myself with Dexter and he was not looking very good. He was so sedated. He wasn't breathing over the ventilator, meaning extubation was not happening today. And his blood pressure kept dropping, meaning they had to increase his dopamine again and again. It was so discouraging and as I sat there, watching his numbers on the screen, I just cried and cried. I understood just how overwhelming it was for Aaron to be right there with him when everything was so critical on Sunday. It was a rough morning for me.
I went to wash my face and pull myself together a bit, and I looked in the mirror with my puffy eyes and tear-stricken face and laughed as I asked myself a question from the scripture that's become our theme during this trial--"Does this look like the face of someone who is 'cheerfully submitting to all the will of the Lord?" Mirien had paraphrased these verses from Mosiah 23 and 24 when she called us with encouragement on Monday.
21 Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith. 22 Nevertheless—whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day. Yea, and thus it was with this people. 13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
And believe it or not, right there as I talked to myself and laughed at myself in the mirror and prayed again for emotional strength, I felt strong again. I felt peace and reassurance. And it stayed with me as I went back to Dexter. Even though he was still so sedated and dependent on medicine and machines, I felt faith and gratitude and a reassurance that the Lord's will was being and will be done. And that was my miracle for the day.